“Operation is the only way to fix this.” the doctor announced as he showed me my CT scan. There were obvious black disc and something is rupture on the side. Oh, no, my beloved spine. How could this be happening to the most important part of me?
I took a deep breath, a big gulp and calmly asked, “Isn’t it treatable with therapy and medication? “
He rambled through confusing medical terms explaining what was wrong with my spinal disc. Finally, he told me the good news: “NOTHING but operation can fix this, and i can not promise you that you’ll be 100% pain free. But the pain will be less than now, that’s for sure.”
(Great! Dumb ass!)
It’s Prolapsed. My spinal disc somehow herniated and ruptures, and the disc is pressing some of my nerves. The problem is that disc has gone kaput! No elasticity anymore.
I knew what Prolapsed is. I had many clients with prolapsed and scoliosis, and I help them by giving the right exercises. I’m a fitness trainer for more than 10 years for GOD’s sake! Not a life-threatening event but a chronic pain. My GOD, the pain that I cannot bear. I am not functioning as a human being. I’m to occupy with the pain, I can’t pay attention with what’s happening around me. I’m angry all the time. I’m angry when I see someone running happily with her kids. I’m angry when I see someone dress nicely and put on her stiletto heals. Because I can’t. I can’t play with zahra, that's what really kills me.
“But, what can I do now?” I asked.
“No medicine can cure,” the neurologist said, “The best I can give you is a prescription for pain killer and steroids until we can come up with the operation date.”
“I don’t want an operation. I’ll pray hard to GOD and find something to help me get better. There must be something…Have to be something.”
Over the next few month, while the oral steroids solved the problems temporarily, I tried alternative treatments, physiotherapy, chiropractor, Neurons Tendon Stimulation, ice pack, hot pack, acupuncture, sleeping on the floor, You name it, I’ve tried it all. But nothing worked. My right leg was becoming less functional, it’s a constant pain and numb at the same time and the pain is worsen.
On May 2008, the pain was unbearable; it hurt so much even when I sneeze. I load myself with painkiller and still I cannot manage to train anyone. So I spend much time at home lying down on the floor trying not to move a single muscle cause it hurt so much. But doing nothing didn’t mean nothing doing. I accomplished much actually. I discovered how my fine-tuned left-brain skills could help me reexamine my priorities and revise my to do lists.
To maximize my laying down time, I got my laptop and restarted my journals. I discovered I had a right brain that helped me reupholster some unhealthy attitudes and behaviors.
Some days my entries bored me. Sometimes my brilliance baffled me.
My words, phrases and sentences prompted me to ask myself, “Where did that comment come from?” “Who told me that?” “How did I ever think that?” Always curious, I asked my pages more questions and more questions and surprisingly, in time and patience, received answers. I discovered that Prolapsed was giving me an opportunity to change what I’d been doing for more than 34 years–emotionally and intellectually mistreating myself.
Now, I could choose what messages I gave myself and what tone of voice I used. I eliminated perfection and made excellence my new goal.
Rather than continually questioning everything with? Why Why? Why? It felt healthier to use “Hmmm, that’s interesting what’s that all about?” Hard work and sensitivity replaced pain and suffering. And I even found space for success.
Before Prolapsed I never thought much about my life. Home was someplace I passed by on the way to somewhere else. But now, I paid attention to myself. I started understanding and accepting my strengths; I began entertaining my possibilities.
There are ups and downs on my days. Someday I can do my daily routines with a 4 pain scale… Other day I just sit at home when I’m on 8 pain of scale.
I am in constant pain. But that’s all right. Because I believe there is something good from this gift from ALLAH to me.
The pain is a constant remainder that there is something greater than everything in this world. And that as a human we got absolutely no power against GOD's will..